Yearning

This yearning Lord
I don't know what to do with it
But You know
You created me
I cry out to You
You who formed my heart
You who hold me now
You see
You know
You love

You look on me
here
now
with tenderness and compassion

How I need You

God, how I need You to come and rescue me today.
Another short night--I could have done that one better,
but...I didn't
Then, and this is the 2nd time in a few weeks--on top of a short night,
an email...just before heading to sleep
And now I 'm exhausted, brain-dead, and hurting
My brain won't go to work, just gravitates to online forums, conversations
Nothing that renews energy or perspective.

I need to get this down to a more efficient pace
Hurt, recognize, analyze and cry it out...

In the hurt I run to other things
I see the folly of other things...

Oh God, come and meet me
hold me
heal me

Yesterday--and a few days before
Were so good, so hopeful
I almost thought I had turned a corner
On the way to joy and hope
And competently facing
Even to having energy again

And then this...a perfect storm
I cry out to You
My Refuge
My Deliverer
My Dwelling place

Oh God I hurt
I feel...
So much...

I come
I crash
Into You
Into Your embrace

The pain
The frustration
Is it normal
A part of life
And learning
That I just need to learn to...
Bring
process
here...with You

Or is it pain of my own making
The result of my own foolishness

It hurts all over...
Lord, where is the boy?
Was there a "clean-up" last week?
Does that explain it?
Please, watch over him.
We tried to help, but...

My Downs friend,
Why was she heading that direction so late last night?
And why were her eyes wet?
Really looked like some tears coming out of at least one
Is she okay?
Please take care of her.
If she was getting hurt, would anyone ever know?

The church
How much of what they are "getting" and sharing is real?
That lady--her face looks so strained and drawn with stress
But when you ask how she is, she quickly quips a "Doing well, thank the Lord!"
Am I the only what that feels a level of falsity?
I'm deeply disturbed by this
And yet, what, how can I ... help?

And I'm hurting and confused about a relationship
Thinking back
There was hope for good
But now it feels mostly like pain
How did this happen?
Where did I go wrong?
Did I?
Or...is this just the way it is?

You ask me God
To Wait on You,
To hope in You,
To put my trust in You

You ask me to Listen
Which means to come to You in prayer
To hear Your plans

You remind me that you are good,
that I can expect great things from Youl

Do you...

Do you ever get tired, Lord
Of all this "crying out"
Of all my tears
All this bawling

If you could
If you would
Suddenly appear here before me
What would you say
What would you do
What would you look like

Would you
Be fed up with me
Kick my butt and tell me to
Suck it up
That would be fine actually
A reminder of a bigger perspective

Or would you just hold out your arms
So I could crumple into them
And bawl it all out
Til the tears run dry

(Not sure why I didn't finish and post this earlier...written Sept. 3, 2013)

When all I can see...

Jesus...
Today, all I can see is...
failure
problems
obstacles

All I can feel is...
hurt
pain
alone in the struggle

This week's morning journey
Is dry and bland
and HARD
Ps. 85 for a morning prayer, the invocation, benediction
no inspiration
And I I keep hearing is
"Stay awake, stay alert, don't stop"
"Don't let Him come back and catch you sleeping"

Today, I just cried
I'm trying
But somehow
It's not enough
I don't know where to find the energy
There must be a different way to do this work
And I've been asking for years
I...
Have not yet seen a solution

God help
Is it just the discipline and muscle-building of perseverance
that You want?
Who cares about the results
or meeting more of the needs?
But God,
the needs are so many
I can't stop from trying to do "more"
But doing "more"
Ends up burning out...
me
my colleagues
the staff for whom I am responsible

What am I doing wrong?
What needs to change?
God, please send your answers
please send your help
I don't know how long I can go on

How...

How can I "get it together" Lord
Jesus...
I'm crying out for Your help
Again today
Thought it was going okay
Thought I was set for a good day
Then...this flood of emotions
Where did that come from?
What do I do with it?

Tired
Disappointed
That's one part

Another part
Resistance
To this life that is mine
This life I chose
But parts of it
I don't want
So I balk
Or...
Parts of it
I don't manage well
And when the consequences hit
I lose it

I...
Need
Something
But I don't know what

Jesus...
I run to You