all I can do

All I can do this morning is cry
Cry for the journey
Cry for the pain
Cry for the relief
Cry for how much it may still cost
Cry for how I don't want to go wrong again

I came this morning,
knowing the need to spend time with You
Last night I knew it to
And we talked
And the words from the John 10 study came back

And I wept
And asked
And told You

I don't know why I'm so afraid
I don't know why I run
Always running to what is easier
Barely learning to trust
Barely learning to hang on
Barely enough hope and faith for each day
And for others

At the end of this day

At the end of this day I cry ... before you

What a long day
What hard stuff
I'm glad there is lots of support for a hard decision
But, oh God...it's hard

It brings no joy

Will this guy...every bring blessing to others
Or always be hurting and using?

LORD, the relief I feel recently
Is because finally I don't feel like I'm going crazy
It's not just me that is concerned
I'm not the only one thinking...

So now that others agree
I can feel at peace that I'm right

What if they still didn't agree
What if I was right all along
And all along others opposed

Why do I so doubt myself
Why can't I just hear You clearly and follow
confidently
peacefully
no matter how many oppose

I know why
Because
That could be sheer arrogance
When others disagree
You've got to at least stop and listen
And question, whether there is something
to what they say

But I question too much

Or do I?

But God...
You have been with me
Although I've doubted
Although it hurt
Although it took me very low
The waters were high
but they didn't go over my head
The fire was hot to destroy
It felt like I was burned
But I'm still here
When all were against
When there was no support
When hope was hard to find
Still, I always knew there would be help somewhere

And I thought even,
that everything I've known till now
would be gone
that hopes and dreams You've given
Were about to die
Fulfilled enough
And I was willing
To lose it all

But now
I'm still here
With all these dreams
Throbbing in my chest
Stronger than ever
And possibilities
Still available

But if forward
Only over a very hard road
Only the next 3 steps are visible
Faith, and more faith
And if we make it
Only by Your grace

Oh God
Where You have brought me
How You have brought me
I could never have imagined...

Here I am
Surrendered to You once again

How do I begin...

Lord, in this new day
I cry out to You
I'm overwhelmed...again.
I don't know how to face it all...again.

The study I'm in is asking and causing me to reflect on...
What is my sense of YOU?
Do I really believe I am loved by You?
What is my sense of hope?
What is my sense of You actively involved in my life?

O Lord
I ... I believe, but
Help my unbelief

Lord, I need to know Your love today
I need to find strength to face the day
To faithfully do my work
To do what I can
With confidence that You'll make it work out

Ah, whether I have "confidence" or not
You will make it work out
I will get to the end of this day, and it will be okay
So why worry?

How I need to know Your love today

Maybe I've known it in the love of my sister
She gave thanks for me
"amazing, loving, strong, driven, wonderful"
is what she said
Somehow "strong" and "driven"
Don't seem to fit with "amazing, loving, wonderful"
And...
I'm not very strong today

Jesus, help me to believe You rejoice over me
How can I believe it?
How can I know it?

I can I almost believe it when I know
how I rejoice over and enjoy others
And if that is how I feel, it's probably how You feel
and so much more

I believe
Help my unbelief

Maybe I'm just so tired...

...

Terror overtakes me when I look and it seems
There is NO WAY to succeed in the tasks ahead
the feeling of impending doom
the knowing I will fail
the meetings today, ongoing for 2 days
I'm afraid I'll be stressed, and frustrated,
and not communicating well with others
the conversation I need to have with others
I'm afraid I'll get frustrated, and angry and
feel hurt at being judged and misunderstood

Can I somehow be "indifferent" (Ignatius) to all the feelings?
Can Your mercy somehow meet me here?
Can I rely on you?
Hope in Your unfailing love>
And ... face it all in peace?
Not wander into all that anxiety and stress?

Is it true You are watching over me today?
Am I one of the ones who "fear You"?
Do I "rely" on Your unfailing love enough
to qualify for the watchful care and help?

Lord, on my own, I will get nowhere
This day, these events truly WILL be a mess
Failure
I turn to You
I cry out to You
in hope
for mercy
for strength
for miracles
of insight and wisdom
and grace and patience

For God alone my soul waits in silence; 

from Him alone comes my salvation.

He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;

I shall never be shaken

Ps. 62:1-2

The LORD watches over those who fear Him,

those who rely on His unfailing love.

Ps. 33:18

As much as I am able
I wait on You today
I rely on Your unfailing love

In Advent...for this day

Jesus, how can I live as I ought today?
I'm tired, frustrated, overwhelmed.
I finally had a morning where I got up early again...two actually!
But then get so tired right away afterwards...
Psalm 33 tells me to trust in your unfailing love.
Why don't I?
How can I?

I cry out to you in this day Lord, this season
I've been leading others in Advent worship
I'm supposed to share about the the season
A wonderful opportunity and there are so many things I could share
But I'm discouraged and overwhelmed
Frustrated at things going so poorly with the one other believer in the mix

And...
God, meet me here please.
Show me how to live,
how to trust in Your unfailing love today.

Lord have mercy

Lord have mercy
It's about all I can say
I need rest
I need to get stuff done
I need to hear from You

So much I should know
So much I should be able to do
So much I should...

But I'm tired
I'm weary
I don't know where to start

And You are God
You are Refuge and Strength
You are Healer, Restorer, Redeemer
Friend

You are Father
I, head down, lost, confused
Come to You
Pour it out
Maybe You will reorder
Maybe You will give perspective
You can give strength
and rest
and whatever is needed

Lord
have mercy
on me
a sinner

Overwhelmed

Jesus, I'm overwhelmed and confused
I don't know how to live, how to choose
What is before me is definitely too much
And I don't know what to drop or how to stop

Pain and Joy

Tears again today, at weird times
Such a mixture of emotions Lord

As we prayed, after talking
I was praying
And suddenly I couldn't speak
I don't know quite WHAT to pray for in this situation
There is some very good stuff happening
But some very frightening things just staying there the same
God, we cry out to You.