How do I begin...

Lord, in this new day
I cry out to You
I'm overwhelmed...again.
I don't know how to face it all...again.

The study I'm in is asking and causing me to reflect on...
What is my sense of YOU?
Do I really believe I am loved by You?
What is my sense of hope?
What is my sense of You actively involved in my life?

O Lord
I ... I believe, but
Help my unbelief

Lord, I need to know Your love today
I need to find strength to face the day
To faithfully do my work
To do what I can
With confidence that You'll make it work out

Ah, whether I have "confidence" or not
You will make it work out
I will get to the end of this day, and it will be okay
So why worry?

How I need to know Your love today

Maybe I've known it in the love of my sister
She gave thanks for me
"amazing, loving, strong, driven, wonderful"
is what she said
Somehow "strong" and "driven"
Don't seem to fit with "amazing, loving, wonderful"
And...
I'm not very strong today

Jesus, help me to believe You rejoice over me
How can I believe it?
How can I know it?

I can I almost believe it when I know
how I rejoice over and enjoy others
And if that is how I feel, it's probably how You feel
and so much more

I believe
Help my unbelief

Maybe I'm just so tired...

...

Terror overtakes me when I look and it seems
There is NO WAY to succeed in the tasks ahead
the feeling of impending doom
the knowing I will fail
the meetings today, ongoing for 2 days
I'm afraid I'll be stressed, and frustrated,
and not communicating well with others
the conversation I need to have with others
I'm afraid I'll get frustrated, and angry and
feel hurt at being judged and misunderstood

Can I somehow be "indifferent" (Ignatius) to all the feelings?
Can Your mercy somehow meet me here?
Can I rely on you?
Hope in Your unfailing love>
And ... face it all in peace?
Not wander into all that anxiety and stress?

Is it true You are watching over me today?
Am I one of the ones who "fear You"?
Do I "rely" on Your unfailing love enough
to qualify for the watchful care and help?

Lord, on my own, I will get nowhere
This day, these events truly WILL be a mess
Failure
I turn to You
I cry out to You
in hope
for mercy
for strength
for miracles
of insight and wisdom
and grace and patience

For God alone my soul waits in silence; 

from Him alone comes my salvation.

He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;

I shall never be shaken

Ps. 62:1-2

The LORD watches over those who fear Him,

those who rely on His unfailing love.

Ps. 33:18

As much as I am able
I wait on You today
I rely on Your unfailing love

In Advent...for this day

Jesus, how can I live as I ought today?
I'm tired, frustrated, overwhelmed.
I finally had a morning where I got up early again...two actually!
But then get so tired right away afterwards...
Psalm 33 tells me to trust in your unfailing love.
Why don't I?
How can I?

I cry out to you in this day Lord, this season
I've been leading others in Advent worship
I'm supposed to share about the the season
A wonderful opportunity and there are so many things I could share
But I'm discouraged and overwhelmed
Frustrated at things going so poorly with the one other believer in the mix

And...
God, meet me here please.
Show me how to live,
how to trust in Your unfailing love today.

Lord have mercy

Lord have mercy
It's about all I can say
I need rest
I need to get stuff done
I need to hear from You

So much I should know
So much I should be able to do
So much I should...

But I'm tired
I'm weary
I don't know where to start

And You are God
You are Refuge and Strength
You are Healer, Restorer, Redeemer
Friend

You are Father
I, head down, lost, confused
Come to You
Pour it out
Maybe You will reorder
Maybe You will give perspective
You can give strength
and rest
and whatever is needed

Lord
have mercy
on me
a sinner

Overwhelmed

Jesus, I'm overwhelmed and confused
I don't know how to live, how to choose
What is before me is definitely too much
And I don't know what to drop or how to stop

Pain and Joy

Tears again today, at weird times
Such a mixture of emotions Lord

As we prayed, after talking
I was praying
And suddenly I couldn't speak
I don't know quite WHAT to pray for in this situation
There is some very good stuff happening
But some very frightening things just staying there the same
God, we cry out to You.

Meet me here

Jesus,
Can you meet me here today?
I'm so tired, know I need to
regroup
recentre
connect with You
and plan for staying connected this week
...even through and into the weekend
...even with new possibilities looming
So much I need to hear from You
So much wisdom and discernment needed

I want to cry

I want to cry
But maybe I'll cry out to You instead.
Or maybe both

Don't know what's going wrong today...interactions with colleagues just all around difficult. No point in having that afternoon meeting if we cannot first figure out how to do it better.

I need to get myself in order, then be able to love and hear others.
Do I need a nap?
Do I need to pray?
God, what happened?
Now is 'examen' time--Lord, I've thanked you, that I can see these negative emotions, that I realize stuff like this always happens around this time of year.
Examen step 2: Lord, please show me my sin, not just the surface sin, but the roots...

Today, Revelation...freaky image of Jesus with a sword coming out of His mouth. Was I communicating with a sword coming out of my mouth this a.m.?  I didn't think so, and if I was, probably not the same as what the image of Jesus was meant to provoke.

Jesus, in the middle of this day.
I cry out to you
I don't know what's wrong
I just know some things aren't right
and I don't want this day to continue, or to end, the way it is now.

Somehow step in
Show me who You are
Help me rise above
Change this heart
Bring joy and peace, and renewed perspective.

For tomorrow...

Jesus...at the end of this day
I ask you for tomorrow...
Oh God help...
Help me please to get back into rhythm
Into the wanting to be in Your Presence
And being able to really settle in
And meet You
And hear
And know, really know You are there
Know You are here
Here...
Loving
Watching
Guiding
Holding all in Your power
The last few weeks...
So OUT of the habit
Feels like I'm starting all over again
Draw me please Lord
Into Your presence
Please bless my sleep
so it is refreshing
Or, if I wake in the middle of the night
May I wake up yearning to be with you
And then go into time of meeting You
in the Journey...

This Day... This Week...

Oh LORD, what have I done
In the passion and excitement of new ideas and being away from the craziness of the office
I thought we could sign up for the 1 week conference next week
What a great opportunity
What help it will bring us
What a good opportunity--to travel and learn together, providing a foundation for further conversations

But now I see all that needs to be done
It was already busy before we left
Just manageable enough
And me...
Operating with less energy than before

God...should we cancel this
Or is it good pressure to make me go forward and make some more decisions

And here I am, at the beginning of the day
Supposed to come into Your Presence to seek and learn
Start with opening
And that "slow down"
Oh how I need to slow down...

The panic rises LORD, the stress...the unbelief
I fight it though
I come to You with all I am
Bringing this
Even in this
You say You are here
You will lead
You will give wisdom for those who need it and ask
I need it
I come
I ask

God of me
You who love me
Here I am
Me, the one You love
Coming to You for grace and mercy
In the midst of stuff that seems so big and that I never seem to be able to figure out
Peanuts to You, small stuff
Show me how to live

God help.
I am a mess.
There is nothing in me today that wants to hold the course, work hard, put up with stuff, press on.
I just want to lay down and die...well, figuratively speaking. Lay down, give up, not push through.
Yeah, I'm fighting something...physically. I'm sure it plays a role.
And I'm tired. 
I'm tired of setting up processes that don't get followed through.
I'm tired of others not following through on things they are responsible for.
I'm tired of having to remember, and remind and... the brain load that adds.
And somehow today I think that let's me have a lousy attitude, give up on my responsibilities, think You aren't enough for this...
But that's all wrong... I know
Stinking attitude right on through...
God... this is me
The real me
The one You love
The one...I wish wasn't like this

Yesterday read about 4 Assumptions... Read and agreed, yet today...
God help

For this day, for this week

Lord, I cry out to You for this day, for this week.

I need help, to regain energy again. The past 3 weeks were starting to go so good, even on my days off I had energy to do stuff, but then yesterday...such a sluggishness has come again, I'm so lethargic. I had 2 days off this week.  On the first one there was lots of energy, but then I had a rather intense (1 on 1 conversations) 9 hour day, then that second day off...didn't have energy to do squat. And when tired, thought to nap, could hardly get to sleep. All I did was read novels...which was good too.

The only difference in my routine from previously is that now I haven't walked 5 days in a row. Before that I had 4 days in a row of walking more than 40 minutes. And a few long days. Oh, and I haven't connected much with friends and family either.

Lord help...help me to live life, to learn how to live responsibly--spending time on things needed, not letting so much pile up. I need to put the brakes on on some things, but I'm not sure what, and I need to keep up the routines that I'm finding to be helpful and healthy.

And if this keeps up, I'm afaid I'll move into overwhelmed, despair, not hearing from You again.

Father, help me this day, to know how to live, to know what to do, and to do it.
Restore my joy. Restore my hope.
May I know You, hear You, walk with You, be held by You. Live in Your joy and love. Live OUT Your joy and love.
 And, again, in Jesus name I bind the enemy--don't know if or how much of this is from him, I do know he'd love to see me sink into lethargy and uselessness--so, just in case.
In Jesus Name

So not like you

Oh God, I am so not like You. And I am so in danger of losing it all again.  Or, just not keeping up some of the new good habits I'm trying to develop. How I need You. How I need to know YOU.

I see the busyness coming again. By the end of the week I'm sleeping late, getting up late, working long, and most important problem, hardly coming into your presence to really be there to hear, and connect. I have this new journey starting on Monday, but right now it's just a dream, not a reality I even know how to do.

And yet that longing for You is stronger. This knowledge that what I REALLY need is You, to be in Your presence, to know You, to be changed by You.

Even though in danger of "losing it", I'm not yet as busy as before, still living slower, and still mostly living enjoying a peace, joy, insight towards life and my team...that is the most important thing!

Father lead me back again.
Thank you for this webcast--the speakers, the inspiration!
Thank you for the weekend coming, and a slower week with students away. 
Help me to properly adjust again, keep working on building the really good habits.
Draw me into Your presence, draw me into YOU, and ...teach me to live this life You have given me.

How I need you Lord.

A good day, but hard stuff

A good day
A good several days
Enjoying life
Enjoying work
Thankful for the peace
And a sense of purpose

And yet I'm exhausted now
Some big emotional stuff
And a battle...is it way more of a spiritual battle than I imagine?
I rest in You tonight
I'm feeling a little low
I need to go to bed
Maybe sleep will restore energy

And so tonight I cry out to You Father
Lead my sleep
Lead my thoughts
Lead me to wake seeking Your presence
Knowing You near
Lead me to know
How to live
What to say
What not to say

Lead me heart in peace
There is such anger
But finally also grief
and fear
for what could be lost

I don't want to get involved in all this again
I was the one

...to find the websites
...to confront, push, prod
...hear the confessions
...offer grace
...invest, to facilitate healing
...the cost was so darn great
...the recovery isn't yet complete
...having it all, in the end rejected
...feeling manipulated and used

I don't want to get involved again
to be the nasty one to confront
to point out the errors
but neither do I want to see others hurt and used
not on my watch

and maybe...there really is growth
maybe there is hope
but there must first be refining
only if he is willing for the refining
thankfully
this time
there will be (or should be) others that can be the up close and personal ones
others to take charge
require an accounting

God, (and I've said this before),
If he is Your child
Then speak loudly
Lead, direct, do NOT let him get away with
pushing for his way
dishonouring Your name
hurting others

Show me what to do
How to live
What to say
And how to hear You, do what I need to do
And then leave it with You
It shouldn't require sleepless nights
At least not nights of worry, anxiety or anger
And I don't want to cry any more tears about this
about him
protect the children
help them to grow in wisdom
and know how to be on guard

For this new week

Father,
At the beginning of this new week, I come to You.
What should I say? What should I pray?
What are the priorities? What should be the priorities?

LORD, I'm walking with someone through something, and it is so easy to get agitated and entangled. It is so easy for me to get frustrated and angry when what is said is all emotion and changes from one day to the next. What are you doing in this life LORD? What should my part be? How can I be involved and guide, and yet lay it down and leave all the outcomes with you? And why do I get agitated? What's with that?  Father, please lead...

How should I order my days this week LORD? Some of the little and simple changes I am making--for years I have neglected, and it would be easy to neglect again...help me to persist, find and hold onto better ways of thinking that make persistence more likely, and the process fun. May I value the rewards of ... a more peaceful heart, a more healthy body, noticing YOU, joy and hope.

And there is one habit I'm trying to build, that morning time with you--earlier, based on a good sleep the night before too. I just start to get into a rhythm, and then on Fridays and Saturdays it often falls apart under the busyness of that day and not yet being prepared. This past week, lost it with one night of agitation and stuff that was hard to lay down. One week from now I'll be starting that JOURNEY, and I'll really need to be disciplined, keep up a discipline. Help me LORD, to more and more centre my life around You, say "no" to other things.

Father, I ask for clarity around two of the activities that need some preparation this week. There are a couple where the path is pretty clear, yet I still cry out for Your insight and guidance, and for Your work in students' hearts to make it meaningful for them. And then there is one where it could just be all hard and confusing and awkward. Working with the other person leading it has ceased to be a joy or pleasure, mostly pain and draining. Is there something left to work for in this working relationship, in what has been invested in this employee? Or should it just end when the contract expires at the end of this year?

I need to be so careful in how to order my days...
Time is running out tonight...
I haven't said everything...
Need to stop and get to bed...
Father, I entrust this week into Your hands
Please lead, please guide, please bless us LORD, with Your presence, Your love, Your strength, Your insight, Your protection. Bind the evil one--he has no right or authority here.
This week, may I continue to cry out to You
Knowing You hear and answer!

 

Cry out my thanks!

Thanksgiving and praise were a lot of my cries yesterday.
Thank You for the hope that is returning.
Thank You for times last week feeling more like "the me I was meant to be"--noticing little things in those around me, encouraging and strengthening.
Thank You that I was calm and patient even in the stresses and problems of Saturday.
Thank You for the peace and bits of insight that came--about what my role may be with some of the students, that I don't need to worry what others think.
Thank You that I have had two weeks building in some of those healthier parts I so often neglect--exercise, time with friends, healthier eating.

Thank You!

For them

There has been a lot of crying out for those around this week, for the centre, for the students, for staff, for our work. And in the process, some peace and calm has come to me. I no longer feel the uncertainty I was feeling last week and earlier, that I needed to know what others, also relating to the same people, are thinking and planning and seeing as good and useful, make sure we're not overlapping.  

I hope it's not just more independence on my part. I hope not. I don't think it is. I think it is more a growing awareness of what my role in the fabric of it all will be. I question. I challenge thinking. I encourage doubts, and I doubt stuff that seems "flaky". 

LORD, I've heard flaky-sounding stuff again this week. Flaky-Christian stuff...at least that's what it sounds like to me...forgive me LORD if I'm judging mocking Your power, not believing what You can do...don't think I am. Somebody kept having fevers...he's from the other side of the province. He came here, back home, and the church decided to pray every noon for a week. And what do you know, on the second day he was healed...no more fever. (but...the fevers had been coming and going anyways...there had already been a long break between....)  Now, two weeks later, word of another fever, seems there was talk of coming back to pray again. Why can't he pray there? Isn't there a church there? And, well he could stay home with his family there while they pray here? And...is there seeking for what God wants to do in all this?  Oh...I had only heard one comment that hinted at some rather weird thinking in my mind...  and it concerns me, the way Christian live, the way we present and believe, in a way that is less than thoughtful. Yes, let's believe, and trust, and follow...

So I continue to cry out to You LORD, lead our work, lead the ideas, the work with other staff, my heart. And I continue to cry out that You will lead their hearts. Help them to become ever more aware of what's going on inside, and what the real needs are, and then find ways to address it.

And birth love among us. In me first. I'm not brimming with "love" towards people that I feel have so disappointed me, but I'm going that way. The anger is less, most of the time...  Our students...do they really learn to care for others via what we do? I see very little of that in their lives. Perhaps they are still so desperately needy themselves, or perhaps I need to really learn it first.

Lonely and Lost

Lord, I'm feeling lonely and lost tonight. Last night was a little like this too. Lots of hope and goodness in the day, but struggle at night, after unsettling news about others.  How can I lay this down? How can I learn to just live my life and let them live theirs?  And it disturbs me, how fragile is this grip on hope...comes and goes.  And yet...I'm building. I know I'm just recovering, trying to recover from this burnout, slowly trying to build habits in reverse of what led me there.  I am truly doing better than a month ago. And I am mostly doing better in those habits...I believe they will help...more prayer, more exercise (walking), less work...

And I lay this down...root me in You Jesus. I don't want to be so affected by these things... so shaken. I need a life, I want that life, that abundant life You said You came to give. I thought I had it, sometimes I still feel I do. 

As I think about the journey soon to begin, there is an anticipation. I think...there is such an opportunity for deep change, a weening off of external and surface living, and into a deeper living with You. This is what I long for.  So much else should change too...but I'm not looking for that so much, it will only be seen more clearly in retrospect.

September 17, 2012

LORD, here I am again, so in need of Your mercy, Your grace, strength and wisdom for this day and these week.  And I need hope and trust...I'm sorry, I'm so scattered...I guess it shows again I don't know if I really believe these things will come.

We're starting a new term again this week LORD. Decisions made this week will bind us--which activities we will put on for the students, when, how many sessions, then a lot of our work will be preparing for and holding those sessions. We/I always underestimate how much work things take. How can I break free of this?  And how can I remember to see the OTHER work I have.  Maybe part of my problem is I have not researched well--have not quantified so that I can look back and really know how much time I spend in each area, and what I need to spend.

It's the season...

It is the season to cry out to God
No matter what others think
No matter the ruckus I make
I will attempt to
not hold back
I feel like a fool
Some of my questions seem so stupid
I struggle with things that others don't think are a problem
Others think aren't worth bothering Him about
Or they would if they knew
And I wish I didn't have to be so selfish
and draw all this attention
but
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!
Have mercy on me, Lord!
Son of David, have mercy on me!
I want to see
I need to see
I have been blind too long
I have no other hope
Only You can rescue
Only You can free
Only You can bring hope
Who cares what they say
What they think

Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!