Crying around "the abyss"

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (Nouwen's idea...). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward, You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

It's the pain of rejection
Of feeling unwanted
Of being not good enough
And not even worthy of an explanation

God, is it okay that he did it that way?
I don't think it is. 
So...what do I do with this?

...

I prayed today
I asked You for help
And a friend used the word "grieving"
Yes, that's what it is
A "grief"
Over a loss
And I need to take the time to "grieve"
To acknowledge the feelings
As part of working through my grief

Thank You
As I cry out to You
I know You look on me with compassion
You hold me
You will not let me fall
Your embrace
Will strengthen
And heal
And enable me to risk again

Hope

Why does a heart keep hoping
When hope only brings pain

Hope disappointed robs all energy
I've experienced that

But I wish I could turn off the "hoping"
Why can't I just stop, give up, not risk it

Why can't I just believe
Really believe
What is more likely
What the facts seem to point to
What would be easier

But no
This heart grasps at any slight glimmer of hope
This heart hopes
And betrays me
It's like it stabs itself

Hoping...
Is so painful...

Jesus...please lead my heart...