The tension, the overwhelm...is excruciating.
God, help!
I need a way out of this.
I need hope.
I need steps to take to be free of this.
Or to find a way to cope...somehow...in the meantime.
And he cried out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” And those who were in front rebuked him, telling him to be silent. But he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Luke 18:38,39 ESV These are just my messy prayers--like Blind Bartimaeus, crying out to Jesus, believing He cares, He hears, His compassion is towards me. And...He may even provide solutions beyond what I can imagine.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Weak, hurting...
God, what do You want of me?
What should I do?
How should I be seeing all this?
How am I supposed to go on?
Where can I find motivation?
Why does this hurt so much?
When will it stop hurting?
Why do I feel so trapped?
How and when and what is the way out of this trap?
When I am weak, then am I strong?
Nah, this is just...
weak,
very weak,
nothing but weak
But
What do You want of me?
What are You doing in this?
Take me where You want me to go
Make of me what You want
Lead me
But first...
please hold me...
and do what You want with me.
What should I do?
How should I be seeing all this?
How am I supposed to go on?
Where can I find motivation?
Why does this hurt so much?
When will it stop hurting?
Why do I feel so trapped?
How and when and what is the way out of this trap?
When I am weak, then am I strong?
Nah, this is just...
weak,
very weak,
nothing but weak
But
What do You want of me?
What are You doing in this?
Take me where You want me to go
Make of me what You want
Lead me
But first...
please hold me...
and do what You want with me.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
hurts today...
God, it hurts today
the waiting
the questions
the feeling of rejection
and I'm empty
too many days
not filled with You
I can go a few
I guess
just leaning in
resting
surrounded
You understand how the days go
but when there is opportunity to come back
to refill
I'd best do it
and I didn't
so...here I am
the feelings come
the discouragement
the lostness
the lack of motivation...
help me come back
to leave these cisterns that don't hold water
and return to You
the spring of living water
lead me to a life
filled and overflowing
I was on the way
almost there
it's possible
help me come...
Thursday, June 25, 2015
I don't know how to come...
Lord, I don't know how to come to You today.
Well, I guess this IS coming, it's the only way I know how right now.
I'm a mess.
Today...pretty much all I can see is failure.
And so lacking...is any desire (well, almost all lacking) to face life, face work, face the problems, face the people.
Please help.
What is wrong with my perspective?
What am I seeing incorrectly?
Why this "give up" that rises so strong at times?
You, God, are strength,
"a very present help"
As M.A. said, there will never be a time where I will look back and find You were not there.
So I cry out to You for help today.
Help me Lord, to find the hope I need, the faith I need.
Help me to want to try.
And, oh God, can You please send some other physical help? Help at the level of administering, deciding, directing. This burden feels so heavy. I feel so all alone and incompetent. I'm not leading well. They deserve better than this.
And today I read...and choose to believe
Well, I guess this IS coming, it's the only way I know how right now.
I'm a mess.
Today...pretty much all I can see is failure.
And so lacking...is any desire (well, almost all lacking) to face life, face work, face the problems, face the people.
Please help.
What is wrong with my perspective?
What am I seeing incorrectly?
Why this "give up" that rises so strong at times?
You, God, are strength,
"a very present help"
As M.A. said, there will never be a time where I will look back and find You were not there.
So I cry out to You for help today.
Help me Lord, to find the hope I need, the faith I need.
Help me to want to try.
And, oh God, can You please send some other physical help? Help at the level of administering, deciding, directing. This burden feels so heavy. I feel so all alone and incompetent. I'm not leading well. They deserve better than this.
And today I read...and choose to believe
And my God will supply
every need of yours
according to His riches
in glory in Christ Jesus
Phil.4:19
Monday, March 30, 2015
Crying around "the abyss"
I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the
hole of my pain" (Nouwen's idea...). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling
out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've
been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always
there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?
We walk toward, You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...
It's the pain of rejection
Of feeling unwanted
Of being not good enough
And not even worthy of an explanation
God, is it okay that he did it that way?
I don't think it is.
So...what do I do with this?
...
I prayed today
I asked You for help
And a friend used the word "grieving"
Yes, that's what it is
A "grief"
Over a loss
And I need to take the time to "grieve"
To acknowledge the feelings
As part of working through my grief
Thank You
As I cry out to You
I know You look on me with compassion
You hold me
You will not let me fall
Your embrace
Will strengthen
And heal
And enable me to risk again
We walk toward, You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...
It's the pain of rejection
Of feeling unwanted
Of being not good enough
And not even worthy of an explanation
God, is it okay that he did it that way?
I don't think it is.
So...what do I do with this?
...
I prayed today
I asked You for help
And a friend used the word "grieving"
Yes, that's what it is
A "grief"
Over a loss
And I need to take the time to "grieve"
To acknowledge the feelings
As part of working through my grief
Thank You
As I cry out to You
I know You look on me with compassion
You hold me
You will not let me fall
Your embrace
Will strengthen
And heal
And enable me to risk again
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Hope
Why does a heart keep hoping
When hope only brings pain
Hope disappointed robs all energy
I've experienced that
But I wish I could turn off the "hoping"
Why can't I just stop, give up, not risk it
Why can't I just believe
Really believe
What is more likely
What the facts seem to point to
What would be easier
But no
This heart grasps at any slight glimmer of hope
This heart hopes
And betrays me
It's like it stabs itself
Hoping...
Is so painful...
Jesus...please lead my heart...
When hope only brings pain
Hope disappointed robs all energy
I've experienced that
But I wish I could turn off the "hoping"
Why can't I just stop, give up, not risk it
Why can't I just believe
Really believe
What is more likely
What the facts seem to point to
What would be easier
But no
This heart grasps at any slight glimmer of hope
This heart hopes
And betrays me
It's like it stabs itself
Hoping...
Is so painful...
Jesus...please lead my heart...
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Alone
Alone...
Utterly alone
Not seeing much hope for even trying
To work with others
To find a way
The part of me that can separate from me
And look at me
Sees me going to a very unhealthy place
God have mercy...
Where will this go?
Where will this end?
How can I survive?
How can I live healthy?
It seems...
For my own sanity...
I need to go back to that "quitting" idea
But...quit what?
I will look at my lists...
The ideas I had before...
Actually, the "quitting idea" was
Quit everything and start over
But...I'm not quite sure how to do that in real life
God, how I need You here
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me...a sinner.
Utterly alone
Not seeing much hope for even trying
To work with others
To find a way
The part of me that can separate from me
And look at me
Sees me going to a very unhealthy place
God have mercy...
Where will this go?
Where will this end?
How can I survive?
How can I live healthy?
It seems...
For my own sanity...
I need to go back to that "quitting" idea
But...quit what?
I will look at my lists...
The ideas I had before...
Actually, the "quitting idea" was
Quit everything and start over
But...I'm not quite sure how to do that in real life
God, how I need You here
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me...a sinner.
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