I don't know where to start

Jesus,
I don't know where to start
or why I can't seem to
I was given extra days
And I've just wasted them
Well...not totally wasted
Got extra sleep
And some things done
But I've been going ...  so.... slow

Am I just tired?
Lazy to the depths?
Why do I so put off
All that needs to be done
Such a trend
Such a habit of my life
My whole life long

What's behind it?
How do I change?
Please reveal
Please renew
Please change
And re-mould

Now
with just one day left
Will it happen?
All that needs to
And leaning into You
Draw me Lord
Renew me Lord
Take me to what I need
And when
and how

all I can do

All I can do this morning is cry
Cry for the journey
Cry for the pain
Cry for the relief
Cry for how much it may still cost
Cry for how I don't want to go wrong again

I came this morning,
knowing the need to spend time with You
Last night I knew it to
And we talked
And the words from the John 10 study came back

And I wept
And asked
And told You

I don't know why I'm so afraid
I don't know why I run
Always running to what is easier
Barely learning to trust
Barely learning to hang on
Barely enough hope and faith for each day
And for others

At the end of this day

At the end of this day I cry ... before you

What a long day
What hard stuff
I'm glad there is lots of support for a hard decision
But, oh God...it's hard

It brings no joy

Will this guy...every bring blessing to others
Or always be hurting and using?

LORD, the relief I feel recently
Is because finally I don't feel like I'm going crazy
It's not just me that is concerned
I'm not the only one thinking...

So now that others agree
I can feel at peace that I'm right

What if they still didn't agree
What if I was right all along
And all along others opposed

Why do I so doubt myself
Why can't I just hear You clearly and follow
confidently
peacefully
no matter how many oppose

I know why
Because
That could be sheer arrogance
When others disagree
You've got to at least stop and listen
And question, whether there is something
to what they say

But I question too much

Or do I?

But God...
You have been with me
Although I've doubted
Although it hurt
Although it took me very low
The waters were high
but they didn't go over my head
The fire was hot to destroy
It felt like I was burned
But I'm still here
When all were against
When there was no support
When hope was hard to find
Still, I always knew there would be help somewhere

And I thought even,
that everything I've known till now
would be gone
that hopes and dreams You've given
Were about to die
Fulfilled enough
And I was willing
To lose it all

But now
I'm still here
With all these dreams
Throbbing in my chest
Stronger than ever
And possibilities
Still available

But if forward
Only over a very hard road
Only the next 3 steps are visible
Faith, and more faith
And if we make it
Only by Your grace

Oh God
Where You have brought me
How You have brought me
I could never have imagined...

Here I am
Surrendered to You once again