When all I can see...

Jesus...
Today, all I can see is...
failure
problems
obstacles

All I can feel is...
hurt
pain
alone in the struggle

This week's morning journey
Is dry and bland
and HARD
Ps. 85 for a morning prayer, the invocation, benediction
no inspiration
And I I keep hearing is
"Stay awake, stay alert, don't stop"
"Don't let Him come back and catch you sleeping"

Today, I just cried
I'm trying
But somehow
It's not enough
I don't know where to find the energy
There must be a different way to do this work
And I've been asking for years
I...
Have not yet seen a solution

God help
Is it just the discipline and muscle-building of perseverance
that You want?
Who cares about the results
or meeting more of the needs?
But God,
the needs are so many
I can't stop from trying to do "more"
But doing "more"
Ends up burning out...
me
my colleagues
the staff for whom I am responsible

What am I doing wrong?
What needs to change?
God, please send your answers
please send your help
I don't know how long I can go on

How...

How can I "get it together" Lord
Jesus...
I'm crying out for Your help
Again today
Thought it was going okay
Thought I was set for a good day
Then...this flood of emotions
Where did that come from?
What do I do with it?

Tired
Disappointed
That's one part

Another part
Resistance
To this life that is mine
This life I chose
But parts of it
I don't want
So I balk
Or...
Parts of it
I don't manage well
And when the consequences hit
I lose it

I...
Need
Something
But I don't know what

Jesus...
I run to You

Empty...Lost...
That's a little bit how it feels when I'm tired like this
The weekly rhythm
Here I am Lord
At the end of another one
Needing Your renewal
Needing your Strengthening
I look to You
And I... go to bed

I seek Your face

God, how I need You as I try to figure out how to go forward.
The first thing I "cry out" to You about, is that You would guide this "crying out" day.
Thank You, You have already started to...
You led me, to set this day aside, to stay away from people mostly--more solitude.
And yet that one "spiritual conversation" previously scheduled, still happened, and in that conversation, I was reminded, of the different things to bring to You today.
Thank You.

I need to talk to You today...

• About my fears--What are they? What are they really? How am I supposed to push through them?
• About the order of my life, my work, this task, and the path forward--please, bring it from "overwhelming" to "ordered" and a "sense of direction" or "steps to take."
• About some of the people in my life--the relationships--the frustration and confusion there.
• About how to stay reminded of Your love for me.

Longing for a different world

Jesus, today I'm longing for a different world
Is the world and kingdom You're eventually taking us to
The same as the one I imagine
Will all the things I long to be rid of
Finally, actually, be gone
Or will life be just as confusing there
Will we finally know what people are saying
And have a sense of truly belonging
Not being so alone
Or will it be more of the same?

(written June, 25, 2013)

Thank You Lord!

Thank You Lord
I cried out to You today

Nearly despair
Emotions threatening to take over
Yet ideas came
Simple practical ones
   Eat a healthy meal
   Take a nap
And in the on and off doze of the nap
Ideas came
Inspiration
Resolve
Feet becoming firm
Motivation returning
HOPE returning

Thank you Lord
You really do hear
And come to the rescue
Of those who trust in Your unfailing love
Of those who cry out to You for help

May I keep remembering
Keep crying out to you
I do not need to flounder in the emotions that hit
For whatever reason
I can call out to You
You hear and send help
You restore and strengthen
I praise YOU God
You are my refuge
You are my help
You are my strength!
Thank you!

Back at the beginning

I was thinking what I'm feeling and the prayers I need to cry out are different from what started this blog, but I just read some of them from September 2012 and...some of it is exactly where I am now. For example, positive and excited in the day, losing grip on hope in the evening.

Here I come again...Lord, can I go to sleep now? Please bless my rest. Help me to work hard, clear away the clutter, do what needs to be done, because I choose to.

Is there a spiritual part? Is the enemy having a heyday with my discouragement? I will pray against Him too, in the name of Jesus.

Help me Lord, to find the hope, to find the joy, to figure out what I need to do to get there. Please send the help to lighten the load.

Oh God...

In this new day

In this new day
At the beginning of this new week
the beginning of several big and overwhelming weeks
I cry out
for hope
for strength
for a bigger and broader perspective
that I might live
and love
and fight
and not despair
not give up

Where do I find strength to go on
I turn to You

Help me to sleep

Lord,
What do I do with these midnight hours...these non-sleeping times?
How can I gain the rest that I need, when I go to sleep, and can't sleep?
Then how can I do the things I need to do, when I get to doing them and am so groggy?
Oh Lord have mercy
Teach me to live
Teach me to work
Teach me to sleep

How do I turn to You

Lord, help me to turn to You today, I'm not sure I know how. It feels like the connection has been lost in ... distraction, worry, busyness.  Help me to turn, once again, to You--directly, facing, focused, listening--to find my center again, regain that rootedness, let other things fall away, back into their proper places, of lesser value, or even ...insignificance.  But I'm so likely to be distracted again...

My following, often, is more like...a face-plant, but with one arm feeble reaching upward, waiting for You to grab, and lift. You grabbed, and lifted yesterday, and hope came. Now for the next steps, brushing off, regaining bearings, replanning, and going forward again.

Your touch

So yearning for Your touch, Your closeness today
The depths of my heart have been opened up, exposed to You

God,
What is this new season?
How am I supposed to navigate?

Ah Jesus
It just hurts lots right now
Don't know what to do but cry

How I need You

How I need you Lord
In this season
It's all so new
So many aspects, all new
You opening my eyes
You challenging me
You speaking
So many things I haven't pondered before

And lots of the old still here as well
The same challenges
Still needing new wisdom
I'm still easily distracted
But the distractions are new
I need new strategies
Or remember the old ones for new situations

Still Seeking Your Face

God...
I'm talking about it more in other places
but I'm still seeking Your face
I'm still crying out.

Thank You
There seem to be some answers
Some clarity has come
Much is being resolved

Yet I'm not sure
Have I heard correctly
It needs to be confirmed
By others
And then there is the follow through


Much courage has come
From
   strengthened vision
   people offering help
   gifts being recognized
   and used

But will I doubt again
Will I stall and delay
When faced with reality once again
   alone in the actual implementation
   opposition
   detractors
   and just so much to do

The default
The easy
Will be to just fall back
Same old patterns


Lead me LORD
Hold me LORD
Show me how to live
To live different from here
To follow through
  

lost

Jesus, I'm a little lost today
It's good that I'm finally crying I suppose
Finally settling in
Finally getting to the heart of the matter(s)
Finally becoming aware of
and naming
what is the real pain
and bringing it to You
Finally

Lead me Lord
Hold me Lord
Speak
...the words
...the truth
I long to hear

How I need to know You
know You here
know You near

I don't know where to start

Jesus,
I don't know where to start
or why I can't seem to
I was given extra days
And I've just wasted them
Well...not totally wasted
Got extra sleep
And some things done
But I've been going ...  so.... slow

Am I just tired?
Lazy to the depths?
Why do I so put off
All that needs to be done
Such a trend
Such a habit of my life
My whole life long

What's behind it?
How do I change?
Please reveal
Please renew
Please change
And re-mould

Now
with just one day left
Will it happen?
All that needs to
And leaning into You
Draw me Lord
Renew me Lord
Take me to what I need
And when
and how

all I can do

All I can do this morning is cry
Cry for the journey
Cry for the pain
Cry for the relief
Cry for how much it may still cost
Cry for how I don't want to go wrong again

I came this morning,
knowing the need to spend time with You
Last night I knew it to
And we talked
And the words from the John 10 study came back

And I wept
And asked
And told You

I don't know why I'm so afraid
I don't know why I run
Always running to what is easier
Barely learning to trust
Barely learning to hang on
Barely enough hope and faith for each day
And for others

At the end of this day

At the end of this day I cry ... before you

What a long day
What hard stuff
I'm glad there is lots of support for a hard decision
But, oh God...it's hard

It brings no joy

Will this guy...every bring blessing to others
Or always be hurting and using?

LORD, the relief I feel recently
Is because finally I don't feel like I'm going crazy
It's not just me that is concerned
I'm not the only one thinking...

So now that others agree
I can feel at peace that I'm right

What if they still didn't agree
What if I was right all along
And all along others opposed

Why do I so doubt myself
Why can't I just hear You clearly and follow
confidently
peacefully
no matter how many oppose

I know why
Because
That could be sheer arrogance
When others disagree
You've got to at least stop and listen
And question, whether there is something
to what they say

But I question too much

Or do I?

But God...
You have been with me
Although I've doubted
Although it hurt
Although it took me very low
The waters were high
but they didn't go over my head
The fire was hot to destroy
It felt like I was burned
But I'm still here
When all were against
When there was no support
When hope was hard to find
Still, I always knew there would be help somewhere

And I thought even,
that everything I've known till now
would be gone
that hopes and dreams You've given
Were about to die
Fulfilled enough
And I was willing
To lose it all

But now
I'm still here
With all these dreams
Throbbing in my chest
Stronger than ever
And possibilities
Still available

But if forward
Only over a very hard road
Only the next 3 steps are visible
Faith, and more faith
And if we make it
Only by Your grace

Oh God
Where You have brought me
How You have brought me
I could never have imagined...

Here I am
Surrendered to You once again