Oh God, I am so not like You. And I am so in danger of losing it all again. Or, just not keeping up some of the new good habits I'm trying to develop. How I need You. How I need to know YOU.
I see the busyness coming again. By the end of the week I'm sleeping late, getting up late, working long, and most important problem, hardly coming into your presence to really be there to hear, and connect. I have this new journey starting on Monday, but right now it's just a dream, not a reality I even know how to do.
And yet that longing for You is stronger. This knowledge that what I REALLY need is You, to be in Your presence, to know You, to be changed by You.
Even though in danger of "losing it", I'm not yet as busy as before, still living slower, and still mostly living enjoying a peace, joy, insight towards life and my team...that is the most important thing!
Father lead me back again.
Thank you for this webcast--the speakers, the inspiration!
Thank you for the weekend coming, and a slower week with students away.
Help me to properly adjust again, keep working on building the really good habits.
Draw me into Your presence, draw me into YOU, and ...teach me to live this life You have given me.
How I need you Lord.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A good day, but hard stuff
A good day
A good several days
Enjoying life
Enjoying work
Thankful for the peace
And a sense of purpose
And yet I'm exhausted now
Some big emotional stuff
And a battle...is it way more of a spiritual battle than I imagine?
I rest in You tonight
I'm feeling a little low
I need to go to bed
Maybe sleep will restore energy
And so tonight I cry out to You Father
Lead my sleep
Lead my thoughts
Lead me to wake seeking Your presence
Knowing You near
Lead me to know
How to live
What to say
What not to say
Lead me heart in peace
There is such anger
But finally also grief
and fear
for what could be lost
I don't want to get involved in all this again
I was the one
...to find the websites
...to confront, push, prod
...hear the confessions
...offer grace
...invest, to facilitate healing
...the cost was so darn great
...the recovery isn't yet complete
...having it all, in the end rejected
...feeling manipulated and used
I don't want to get involved again
to be the nasty one to confront
to point out the errors
but neither do I want to see others hurt and used
not on my watch
and maybe...there really is growth
maybe there is hope
but there must first be refining
only if he is willing for the refining
thankfully
this time
there will be (or should be) others that can be the up close and personal ones
others to take charge
require an accounting
God, (and I've said this before),
If he is Your child
Then speak loudly
Lead, direct, do NOT let him get away with
pushing for his way
dishonouring Your name
hurting others
Show me what to do
How to live
What to say
And how to hear You, do what I need to do
And then leave it with You
It shouldn't require sleepless nights
At least not nights of worry, anxiety or anger
And I don't want to cry any more tears about this
about him
protect the children
help them to grow in wisdom
and know how to be on guard
A good several days
Enjoying life
Enjoying work
Thankful for the peace
And a sense of purpose
And yet I'm exhausted now
Some big emotional stuff
And a battle...is it way more of a spiritual battle than I imagine?
I rest in You tonight
I'm feeling a little low
I need to go to bed
Maybe sleep will restore energy
And so tonight I cry out to You Father
Lead my sleep
Lead my thoughts
Lead me to wake seeking Your presence
Knowing You near
Lead me to know
How to live
What to say
What not to say
Lead me heart in peace
There is such anger
But finally also grief
and fear
for what could be lost
I don't want to get involved in all this again
I was the one
...to find the websites
...to confront, push, prod
...hear the confessions
...offer grace
...invest, to facilitate healing
...the cost was so darn great
...the recovery isn't yet complete
...having it all, in the end rejected
...feeling manipulated and used
I don't want to get involved again
to be the nasty one to confront
to point out the errors
but neither do I want to see others hurt and used
not on my watch
and maybe...there really is growth
maybe there is hope
but there must first be refining
only if he is willing for the refining
thankfully
this time
there will be (or should be) others that can be the up close and personal ones
others to take charge
require an accounting
God, (and I've said this before),
If he is Your child
Then speak loudly
Lead, direct, do NOT let him get away with
pushing for his way
dishonouring Your name
hurting others
Show me what to do
How to live
What to say
And how to hear You, do what I need to do
And then leave it with You
It shouldn't require sleepless nights
At least not nights of worry, anxiety or anger
And I don't want to cry any more tears about this
about him
protect the children
help them to grow in wisdom
and know how to be on guard
Monday, September 24, 2012
For this new week
Father,
At the beginning of this new week, I come to You.
What should I say? What should I pray?
What are the priorities? What should be the priorities?
LORD, I'm walking with someone through something, and it is so easy to get agitated and entangled. It is so easy for me to get frustrated and angry when what is said is all emotion and changes from one day to the next. What are you doing in this life LORD? What should my part be? How can I be involved and guide, and yet lay it down and leave all the outcomes with you? And why do I get agitated? What's with that? Father, please lead...
How should I order my days this week LORD? Some of the little and simple changes I am making--for years I have neglected, and it would be easy to neglect again...help me to persist, find and hold onto better ways of thinking that make persistence more likely, and the process fun. May I value the rewards of ... a more peaceful heart, a more healthy body, noticing YOU, joy and hope.
And there is one habit I'm trying to build, that morning time with you--earlier, based on a good sleep the night before too. I just start to get into a rhythm, and then on Fridays and Saturdays it often falls apart under the busyness of that day and not yet being prepared. This past week, lost it with one night of agitation and stuff that was hard to lay down. One week from now I'll be starting that JOURNEY, and I'll really need to be disciplined, keep up a discipline. Help me LORD, to more and more centre my life around You, say "no" to other things.
Father, I ask for clarity around two of the activities that need some preparation this week. There are a couple where the path is pretty clear, yet I still cry out for Your insight and guidance, and for Your work in students' hearts to make it meaningful for them. And then there is one where it could just be all hard and confusing and awkward. Working with the other person leading it has ceased to be a joy or pleasure, mostly pain and draining. Is there something left to work for in this working relationship, in what has been invested in this employee? Or should it just end when the contract expires at the end of this year?
I need to be so careful in how to order my days...
Time is running out tonight...
I haven't said everything...
Need to stop and get to bed...
Father, I entrust this week into Your hands
Please lead, please guide, please bless us LORD, with Your presence, Your love, Your strength, Your insight, Your protection. Bind the evil one--he has no right or authority here.
This week, may I continue to cry out to You
Knowing You hear and answer!
At the beginning of this new week, I come to You.
What should I say? What should I pray?
What are the priorities? What should be the priorities?
LORD, I'm walking with someone through something, and it is so easy to get agitated and entangled. It is so easy for me to get frustrated and angry when what is said is all emotion and changes from one day to the next. What are you doing in this life LORD? What should my part be? How can I be involved and guide, and yet lay it down and leave all the outcomes with you? And why do I get agitated? What's with that? Father, please lead...
How should I order my days this week LORD? Some of the little and simple changes I am making--for years I have neglected, and it would be easy to neglect again...help me to persist, find and hold onto better ways of thinking that make persistence more likely, and the process fun. May I value the rewards of ... a more peaceful heart, a more healthy body, noticing YOU, joy and hope.
And there is one habit I'm trying to build, that morning time with you--earlier, based on a good sleep the night before too. I just start to get into a rhythm, and then on Fridays and Saturdays it often falls apart under the busyness of that day and not yet being prepared. This past week, lost it with one night of agitation and stuff that was hard to lay down. One week from now I'll be starting that JOURNEY, and I'll really need to be disciplined, keep up a discipline. Help me LORD, to more and more centre my life around You, say "no" to other things.
Father, I ask for clarity around two of the activities that need some preparation this week. There are a couple where the path is pretty clear, yet I still cry out for Your insight and guidance, and for Your work in students' hearts to make it meaningful for them. And then there is one where it could just be all hard and confusing and awkward. Working with the other person leading it has ceased to be a joy or pleasure, mostly pain and draining. Is there something left to work for in this working relationship, in what has been invested in this employee? Or should it just end when the contract expires at the end of this year?
I need to be so careful in how to order my days...
Time is running out tonight...
I haven't said everything...
Need to stop and get to bed...
Father, I entrust this week into Your hands
Please lead, please guide, please bless us LORD, with Your presence, Your love, Your strength, Your insight, Your protection. Bind the evil one--he has no right or authority here.
This week, may I continue to cry out to You
Knowing You hear and answer!
Cry out my thanks!
Thanksgiving and praise were a lot of my cries yesterday.
Thank You for the hope that is returning.
Thank You for times last week feeling more like "the me I was meant to be"--noticing little things in those around me, encouraging and strengthening.
Thank You that I was calm and patient even in the stresses and problems of Saturday.
Thank You for the peace and bits of insight that came--about what my role may be with some of the students, that I don't need to worry what others think.
Thank You that I have had two weeks building in some of those healthier parts I so often neglect--exercise, time with friends, healthier eating.
Thank You!
Thank You for the hope that is returning.
Thank You for times last week feeling more like "the me I was meant to be"--noticing little things in those around me, encouraging and strengthening.
Thank You that I was calm and patient even in the stresses and problems of Saturday.
Thank You for the peace and bits of insight that came--about what my role may be with some of the students, that I don't need to worry what others think.
Thank You that I have had two weeks building in some of those healthier parts I so often neglect--exercise, time with friends, healthier eating.
Thank You!
Friday, September 21, 2012
For them
There has been a lot of crying out for those around this week, for the centre, for the students, for staff, for our work. And in the process, some peace and calm has come to me. I no longer feel the uncertainty I was feeling last week and earlier, that I needed to know what others, also relating to the same people, are thinking and planning and seeing as good and useful, make sure we're not overlapping.
I hope it's not just more independence on my part. I hope not. I don't think it is. I think it is more a growing awareness of what my role in the fabric of it all will be. I question. I challenge thinking. I encourage doubts, and I doubt stuff that seems "flaky".
LORD, I've heard flaky-sounding stuff again this week. Flaky-Christian stuff...at least that's what it sounds like to me...forgive me LORD if I'm judging mocking Your power, not believing what You can do...don't think I am. Somebody kept having fevers...he's from the other side of the province. He came here, back home, and the church decided to pray every noon for a week. And what do you know, on the second day he was healed...no more fever. (but...the fevers had been coming and going anyways...there had already been a long break between....) Now, two weeks later, word of another fever, seems there was talk of coming back to pray again. Why can't he pray there? Isn't there a church there? And, well he could stay home with his family there while they pray here? And...is there seeking for what God wants to do in all this? Oh...I had only heard one comment that hinted at some rather weird thinking in my mind... and it concerns me, the way Christian live, the way we present and believe, in a way that is less than thoughtful. Yes, let's believe, and trust, and follow...
So I continue to cry out to You LORD, lead our work, lead the ideas, the work with other staff, my heart. And I continue to cry out that You will lead their hearts. Help them to become ever more aware of what's going on inside, and what the real needs are, and then find ways to address it.
And birth love among us. In me first. I'm not brimming with "love" towards people that I feel have so disappointed me, but I'm going that way. The anger is less, most of the time... Our students...do they really learn to care for others via what we do? I see very little of that in their lives. Perhaps they are still so desperately needy themselves, or perhaps I need to really learn it first.
I hope it's not just more independence on my part. I hope not. I don't think it is. I think it is more a growing awareness of what my role in the fabric of it all will be. I question. I challenge thinking. I encourage doubts, and I doubt stuff that seems "flaky".
LORD, I've heard flaky-sounding stuff again this week. Flaky-Christian stuff...at least that's what it sounds like to me...forgive me LORD if I'm judging mocking Your power, not believing what You can do...don't think I am. Somebody kept having fevers...he's from the other side of the province. He came here, back home, and the church decided to pray every noon for a week. And what do you know, on the second day he was healed...no more fever. (but...the fevers had been coming and going anyways...there had already been a long break between....) Now, two weeks later, word of another fever, seems there was talk of coming back to pray again. Why can't he pray there? Isn't there a church there? And, well he could stay home with his family there while they pray here? And...is there seeking for what God wants to do in all this? Oh...I had only heard one comment that hinted at some rather weird thinking in my mind... and it concerns me, the way Christian live, the way we present and believe, in a way that is less than thoughtful. Yes, let's believe, and trust, and follow...
So I continue to cry out to You LORD, lead our work, lead the ideas, the work with other staff, my heart. And I continue to cry out that You will lead their hearts. Help them to become ever more aware of what's going on inside, and what the real needs are, and then find ways to address it.
And birth love among us. In me first. I'm not brimming with "love" towards people that I feel have so disappointed me, but I'm going that way. The anger is less, most of the time... Our students...do they really learn to care for others via what we do? I see very little of that in their lives. Perhaps they are still so desperately needy themselves, or perhaps I need to really learn it first.
Lonely and Lost
Lord, I'm feeling lonely and lost tonight. Last night was a little like this too. Lots of hope and goodness in the day, but struggle at night, after unsettling news about others. How can I lay this down? How can I learn to just live my life and let them live theirs? And it disturbs me, how fragile is this grip on hope...comes and goes. And yet...I'm building. I know I'm just recovering, trying to recover from this burnout, slowly trying to build habits in reverse of what led me there. I am truly doing better than a month ago. And I am mostly doing better in those habits...I believe they will help...more prayer, more exercise (walking), less work...
And I lay this down...root me in You Jesus. I don't want to be so affected by these things... so shaken. I need a life, I want that life, that abundant life You said You came to give. I thought I had it, sometimes I still feel I do.
As I think about the journey soon to begin, there is an anticipation. I think...there is such an opportunity for deep change, a weening off of external and surface living, and into a deeper living with You. This is what I long for. So much else should change too...but I'm not looking for that so much, it will only be seen more clearly in retrospect.
And I lay this down...root me in You Jesus. I don't want to be so affected by these things... so shaken. I need a life, I want that life, that abundant life You said You came to give. I thought I had it, sometimes I still feel I do.
As I think about the journey soon to begin, there is an anticipation. I think...there is such an opportunity for deep change, a weening off of external and surface living, and into a deeper living with You. This is what I long for. So much else should change too...but I'm not looking for that so much, it will only be seen more clearly in retrospect.
Monday, September 17, 2012
September 17, 2012
LORD, here I am again, so in need of Your mercy, Your grace, strength and wisdom for this day and these week. And I need hope and trust...I'm sorry, I'm so scattered...I guess it shows again I don't know if I really believe these things will come.
We're starting a new term again this week LORD. Decisions made this week will bind us--which activities we will put on for the students, when, how many sessions, then a lot of our work will be preparing for and holding those sessions. We/I always underestimate how much work things take. How can I break free of this? And how can I remember to see the OTHER work I have. Maybe part of my problem is I have not researched well--have not quantified so that I can look back and really know how much time I spend in each area, and what I need to spend.
We're starting a new term again this week LORD. Decisions made this week will bind us--which activities we will put on for the students, when, how many sessions, then a lot of our work will be preparing for and holding those sessions. We/I always underestimate how much work things take. How can I break free of this? And how can I remember to see the OTHER work I have. Maybe part of my problem is I have not researched well--have not quantified so that I can look back and really know how much time I spend in each area, and what I need to spend.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
It's the season...
It is the season to cry out to God
No matter what others think
No matter the ruckus I make
I will attempt to
not hold back
I feel like a fool
Some of my questions seem so stupid
I struggle with things that others don't think are a problem
Others think aren't worth bothering Him about
Or they would if they knew
And I wish I didn't have to be so selfish
and draw all this attention
but
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!
Have mercy on me, Lord!
Son of David, have mercy on me!
I want to see
I need to see
I have been blind too long
I have no other hope
Only You can rescue
Only You can free
Only You can bring hope
Who cares what they say
What they think
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!
No matter what others think
No matter the ruckus I make
I will attempt to
not hold back
I feel like a fool
Some of my questions seem so stupid
I struggle with things that others don't think are a problem
Others think aren't worth bothering Him about
Or they would if they knew
And I wish I didn't have to be so selfish
and draw all this attention
but
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!
Have mercy on me, Lord!
Son of David, have mercy on me!
I want to see
I need to see
I have been blind too long
I have no other hope
Only You can rescue
Only You can free
Only You can bring hope
Who cares what they say
What they think
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!
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