Your touch

So yearning for Your touch, Your closeness today
The depths of my heart have been opened up, exposed to You

God,
What is this new season?
How am I supposed to navigate?

Ah Jesus
It just hurts lots right now
Don't know what to do but cry

How I need You

How I need you Lord
In this season
It's all so new
So many aspects, all new
You opening my eyes
You challenging me
You speaking
So many things I haven't pondered before

And lots of the old still here as well
The same challenges
Still needing new wisdom
I'm still easily distracted
But the distractions are new
I need new strategies
Or remember the old ones for new situations

Still Seeking Your Face

God...
I'm talking about it more in other places
but I'm still seeking Your face
I'm still crying out.

Thank You
There seem to be some answers
Some clarity has come
Much is being resolved

Yet I'm not sure
Have I heard correctly
It needs to be confirmed
By others
And then there is the follow through


Much courage has come
From
   strengthened vision
   people offering help
   gifts being recognized
   and used

But will I doubt again
Will I stall and delay
When faced with reality once again
   alone in the actual implementation
   opposition
   detractors
   and just so much to do

The default
The easy
Will be to just fall back
Same old patterns


Lead me LORD
Hold me LORD
Show me how to live
To live different from here
To follow through
  

lost

Jesus, I'm a little lost today
It's good that I'm finally crying I suppose
Finally settling in
Finally getting to the heart of the matter(s)
Finally becoming aware of
and naming
what is the real pain
and bringing it to You
Finally

Lead me Lord
Hold me Lord
Speak
...the words
...the truth
I long to hear

How I need to know You
know You here
know You near

I don't know where to start

Jesus,
I don't know where to start
or why I can't seem to
I was given extra days
And I've just wasted them
Well...not totally wasted
Got extra sleep
And some things done
But I've been going ...  so.... slow

Am I just tired?
Lazy to the depths?
Why do I so put off
All that needs to be done
Such a trend
Such a habit of my life
My whole life long

What's behind it?
How do I change?
Please reveal
Please renew
Please change
And re-mould

Now
with just one day left
Will it happen?
All that needs to
And leaning into You
Draw me Lord
Renew me Lord
Take me to what I need
And when
and how

all I can do

All I can do this morning is cry
Cry for the journey
Cry for the pain
Cry for the relief
Cry for how much it may still cost
Cry for how I don't want to go wrong again

I came this morning,
knowing the need to spend time with You
Last night I knew it to
And we talked
And the words from the John 10 study came back

And I wept
And asked
And told You

I don't know why I'm so afraid
I don't know why I run
Always running to what is easier
Barely learning to trust
Barely learning to hang on
Barely enough hope and faith for each day
And for others

At the end of this day

At the end of this day I cry ... before you

What a long day
What hard stuff
I'm glad there is lots of support for a hard decision
But, oh God...it's hard

It brings no joy

Will this guy...every bring blessing to others
Or always be hurting and using?

LORD, the relief I feel recently
Is because finally I don't feel like I'm going crazy
It's not just me that is concerned
I'm not the only one thinking...

So now that others agree
I can feel at peace that I'm right

What if they still didn't agree
What if I was right all along
And all along others opposed

Why do I so doubt myself
Why can't I just hear You clearly and follow
confidently
peacefully
no matter how many oppose

I know why
Because
That could be sheer arrogance
When others disagree
You've got to at least stop and listen
And question, whether there is something
to what they say

But I question too much

Or do I?

But God...
You have been with me
Although I've doubted
Although it hurt
Although it took me very low
The waters were high
but they didn't go over my head
The fire was hot to destroy
It felt like I was burned
But I'm still here
When all were against
When there was no support
When hope was hard to find
Still, I always knew there would be help somewhere

And I thought even,
that everything I've known till now
would be gone
that hopes and dreams You've given
Were about to die
Fulfilled enough
And I was willing
To lose it all

But now
I'm still here
With all these dreams
Throbbing in my chest
Stronger than ever
And possibilities
Still available

But if forward
Only over a very hard road
Only the next 3 steps are visible
Faith, and more faith
And if we make it
Only by Your grace

Oh God
Where You have brought me
How You have brought me
I could never have imagined...

Here I am
Surrendered to You once again