Lord, I'm at the end of myself
and maybe this is what I need to wake me up
And bring me back
But honestly
It feels like it could be the end
I...
don't know how long...
I can take
this walking alone
I...
don't know...
What's the point
When I'm reduced to tears
And all out of sorts...
Maybe it will get me crying again
Crying out again
Praying again
Desperate enough to really seek
And quit wasting all this time...
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Yearning
This yearning Lord
I don't know what to do with it
But You know
You created me
I cry out to You
You who formed my heart
You who hold me now
You see
You know
You love
You look on me
here
now
with tenderness and compassion
I don't know what to do with it
But You know
You created me
I cry out to You
You who formed my heart
You who hold me now
You see
You know
You love
You look on me
here
now
with tenderness and compassion
Saturday, June 28, 2014
How I need You
God, how I need You to come and rescue me today.
Another short night--I could have done that one better,
but...I didn't
Then, and this is the 2nd time in a few weeks--on top of a short night,
an email...just before heading to sleep
And now I 'm exhausted, brain-dead, and hurting
My brain won't go to work, just gravitates to online forums, conversations
Nothing that renews energy or perspective.
I need to get this down to a more efficient pace
Hurt, recognize, analyze and cry it out...
In the hurt I run to other things
I see the folly of other things...
Oh God, come and meet me
hold me
heal me
Yesterday--and a few days before
Were so good, so hopeful
I almost thought I had turned a corner
On the way to joy and hope
And competently facing
Even to having energy again
And then this...a perfect storm
I cry out to You
My Refuge
My Deliverer
My Dwelling place
Another short night--I could have done that one better,
but...I didn't
Then, and this is the 2nd time in a few weeks--on top of a short night,
an email...just before heading to sleep
And now I 'm exhausted, brain-dead, and hurting
My brain won't go to work, just gravitates to online forums, conversations
Nothing that renews energy or perspective.
I need to get this down to a more efficient pace
Hurt, recognize, analyze and cry it out...
In the hurt I run to other things
I see the folly of other things...
Oh God, come and meet me
hold me
heal me
Yesterday--and a few days before
Were so good, so hopeful
I almost thought I had turned a corner
On the way to joy and hope
And competently facing
Even to having energy again
And then this...a perfect storm
I cry out to You
My Refuge
My Deliverer
My Dwelling place
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
It hurts all over...
Lord, where is the boy?
Was there a "clean-up" last week?
Does that explain it?
Please, watch over him.
We tried to help, but...
My Downs friend,
Why was she heading that direction so late last night?
And why were her eyes wet?
Really looked like some tears coming out of at least one
Is she okay?
Please take care of her.
If she was getting hurt, would anyone ever know?
The church
How much of what they are "getting" and sharing is real?
That lady--her face looks so strained and drawn with stress
But when you ask how she is, she quickly quips a "Doing well, thank the Lord!"
Am I the only what that feels a level of falsity?
I'm deeply disturbed by this
And yet, what, how can I ... help?
And I'm hurting and confused about a relationship
Thinking back
There was hope for good
But now it feels mostly like pain
How did this happen?
Where did I go wrong?
Did I?
Or...is this just the way it is?
You ask me God
To Wait on You,
To hope in You,
To put my trust in You
You ask me to Listen
Which means to come to You in prayer
To hear Your plans
You remind me that you are good,
that I can expect great things from Youl
Lord, where is the boy?
Was there a "clean-up" last week?
Does that explain it?
Please, watch over him.
We tried to help, but...
My Downs friend,
Why was she heading that direction so late last night?
And why were her eyes wet?
Really looked like some tears coming out of at least one
Is she okay?
Please take care of her.
If she was getting hurt, would anyone ever know?
The church
How much of what they are "getting" and sharing is real?
That lady--her face looks so strained and drawn with stress
But when you ask how she is, she quickly quips a "Doing well, thank the Lord!"
Am I the only what that feels a level of falsity?
I'm deeply disturbed by this
And yet, what, how can I ... help?
And I'm hurting and confused about a relationship
Thinking back
There was hope for good
But now it feels mostly like pain
How did this happen?
Where did I go wrong?
Did I?
Or...is this just the way it is?
You ask me God
To Wait on You,
To hope in You,
To put my trust in You
You ask me to Listen
Which means to come to You in prayer
To hear Your plans
You remind me that you are good,
that I can expect great things from Youl
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Do you...
Do you ever get tired, Lord
Of all this "crying out"
Of all my tears
All this bawling
If you could
If you would
Suddenly appear here before me
What would you say
What would you do
What would you look like
Would you
Be fed up with me
Kick my butt and tell me to
Suck it up
That would be fine actually
A reminder of a bigger perspective
Or would you just hold out your arms
So I could crumple into them
And bawl it all out
Til the tears run dry
(Not sure why I didn't finish and post this earlier...written Sept. 3, 2013)
Of all this "crying out"
Of all my tears
All this bawling
If you could
If you would
Suddenly appear here before me
What would you say
What would you do
What would you look like
Would you
Be fed up with me
Kick my butt and tell me to
Suck it up
That would be fine actually
A reminder of a bigger perspective
Or would you just hold out your arms
So I could crumple into them
And bawl it all out
Til the tears run dry
(Not sure why I didn't finish and post this earlier...written Sept. 3, 2013)
Friday, December 20, 2013
When all I can see...
Jesus...
Today, all I can see is...
failure
problems
obstacles
All I can feel is...
hurt
pain
alone in the struggle
This week's morning journey
Is dry and bland
and HARD
Ps. 85 for a morning prayer, the invocation, benediction
no inspiration
And I I keep hearing is
"Stay awake, stay alert, don't stop"
"Don't let Him come back and catch you sleeping"
Today, I just cried
I'm trying
But somehow
It's not enough
I don't know where to find the energy
There must be a different way to do this work
And I've been asking for years
I...
Have not yet seen a solution
God help
Is it just the discipline and muscle-building of perseverance
that You want?
Who cares about the results
or meeting more of the needs?
But God,
the needs are so many
I can't stop from trying to do "more"
But doing "more"
Ends up burning out...
me
my colleagues
the staff for whom I am responsible
What am I doing wrong?
What needs to change?
God, please send your answers
please send your help
I don't know how long I can go on
Today, all I can see is...
failure
problems
obstacles
All I can feel is...
hurt
pain
alone in the struggle
This week's morning journey
Is dry and bland
and HARD
Ps. 85 for a morning prayer, the invocation, benediction
no inspiration
And I I keep hearing is
"Stay awake, stay alert, don't stop"
"Don't let Him come back and catch you sleeping"
Today, I just cried
I'm trying
But somehow
It's not enough
I don't know where to find the energy
There must be a different way to do this work
And I've been asking for years
I...
Have not yet seen a solution
God help
Is it just the discipline and muscle-building of perseverance
that You want?
Who cares about the results
or meeting more of the needs?
But God,
the needs are so many
I can't stop from trying to do "more"
But doing "more"
Ends up burning out...
me
my colleagues
the staff for whom I am responsible
What am I doing wrong?
What needs to change?
God, please send your answers
please send your help
I don't know how long I can go on
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