Alone

Alone...
Utterly alone
Not seeing much hope for even trying
To work with others
To find a way
The part of me that can separate from me
And look at me
Sees me going to a very unhealthy place
God have mercy...
Where will this go?
Where will this end?

How can I survive?
How can I live healthy?

It seems...
For my own sanity...
I need to go back to that "quitting" idea

But...quit what?

I will look at my lists...
The ideas I had before...

Actually, the "quitting idea" was
Quit everything and start over
But...I'm not quite sure how to do that in real life

God, how I need You here
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me...a sinner.

Another crash
Here it goes
How can I stop
How can I hold on

God have mercy
God help

Hurts to hope

God it hurts
It hurts to hope

Life was easier before I wanted
Before I hoped
That there could be a man
That there could be marriage
An incredible partnership
And love

Should I be hoping, and waiting?
Or should I walk away?

Please lead my heart
Hold my heart

At the end

Lord, I'm at the end of myself
and maybe this is what I need to wake me up
And bring me back
But honestly
It feels like it could be the end

I...
don't know how long...
I can take
this walking alone

I...
don't know...

What's the point
When I'm reduced to tears
And all out of sorts...

Maybe it will get me crying again
Crying out again
Praying again
Desperate enough to really seek
And quit wasting all this time...

Yearning

This yearning Lord
I don't know what to do with it
But You know
You created me
I cry out to You
You who formed my heart
You who hold me now
You see
You know
You love

You look on me
here
now
with tenderness and compassion

How I need You

God, how I need You to come and rescue me today.
Another short night--I could have done that one better,
but...I didn't
Then, and this is the 2nd time in a few weeks--on top of a short night,
an email...just before heading to sleep
And now I 'm exhausted, brain-dead, and hurting
My brain won't go to work, just gravitates to online forums, conversations
Nothing that renews energy or perspective.

I need to get this down to a more efficient pace
Hurt, recognize, analyze and cry it out...

In the hurt I run to other things
I see the folly of other things...

Oh God, come and meet me
hold me
heal me

Yesterday--and a few days before
Were so good, so hopeful
I almost thought I had turned a corner
On the way to joy and hope
And competently facing
Even to having energy again

And then this...a perfect storm
I cry out to You
My Refuge
My Deliverer
My Dwelling place

Oh God I hurt
I feel...
So much...

I come
I crash
Into You
Into Your embrace

The pain
The frustration
Is it normal
A part of life
And learning
That I just need to learn to...
Bring
process
here...with You

Or is it pain of my own making
The result of my own foolishness