I don't know how to come...

Lord, I don't know how to come to You today.
Well, I guess this IS coming, it's the only way I know how right now.

I'm a mess.
Today...pretty much all I can see is failure.
And so lacking...is any desire (well, almost all lacking) to face life, face work, face the problems, face the people.
Please help.
What is wrong with my perspective?
What am I seeing incorrectly?
Why this "give up" that rises so strong at times?

You, God, are strength,
"a very present help"
As M.A. said, there will never be a time where I will look back and find You were not there.

So I cry out to You for help today.
Help me Lord, to find the hope I need, the faith I need.
Help me to want to try.
And, oh God, can You please send some other physical help? Help at the level of  administering, deciding, directing. This burden feels so heavy. I feel so all alone and incompetent. I'm not leading well. They deserve better than this.

And today I read...and choose to believe

And my God will supply

every need of yours

according to His riches

in glory in Christ Jesus

Phil.4:19

Crying around "the abyss"

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (Nouwen's idea...). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward, You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

It's the pain of rejection
Of feeling unwanted
Of being not good enough
And not even worthy of an explanation

God, is it okay that he did it that way?
I don't think it is. 
So...what do I do with this?

...

I prayed today
I asked You for help
And a friend used the word "grieving"
Yes, that's what it is
A "grief"
Over a loss
And I need to take the time to "grieve"
To acknowledge the feelings
As part of working through my grief

Thank You
As I cry out to You
I know You look on me with compassion
You hold me
You will not let me fall
Your embrace
Will strengthen
And heal
And enable me to risk again

Hope

Why does a heart keep hoping
When hope only brings pain

Hope disappointed robs all energy
I've experienced that

But I wish I could turn off the "hoping"
Why can't I just stop, give up, not risk it

Why can't I just believe
Really believe
What is more likely
What the facts seem to point to
What would be easier

But no
This heart grasps at any slight glimmer of hope
This heart hopes
And betrays me
It's like it stabs itself

Hoping...
Is so painful...

Jesus...please lead my heart...

God Help!
When will I have energy again?
When will I feel motivated again?
Will I?

Today
Now
I turn to you
For today
Please give energy and strength

Alone

Alone...
Utterly alone
Not seeing much hope for even trying
To work with others
To find a way
The part of me that can separate from me
And look at me
Sees me going to a very unhealthy place
God have mercy...
Where will this go?
Where will this end?

How can I survive?
How can I live healthy?

It seems...
For my own sanity...
I need to go back to that "quitting" idea

But...quit what?

I will look at my lists...
The ideas I had before...

Actually, the "quitting idea" was
Quit everything and start over
But...I'm not quite sure how to do that in real life

God, how I need You here
Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me...a sinner.

Another crash
Here it goes
How can I stop
How can I hold on

God have mercy
God help

Hurts to hope

God it hurts
It hurts to hope

Life was easier before I wanted
Before I hoped
That there could be a man
That there could be marriage
An incredible partnership
And love

Should I be hoping, and waiting?
Or should I walk away?

Please lead my heart
Hold my heart