This Day... This Week...

Oh LORD, what have I done
In the passion and excitement of new ideas and being away from the craziness of the office
I thought we could sign up for the 1 week conference next week
What a great opportunity
What help it will bring us
What a good opportunity--to travel and learn together, providing a foundation for further conversations

But now I see all that needs to be done
It was already busy before we left
Just manageable enough
And me...
Operating with less energy than before

God...should we cancel this
Or is it good pressure to make me go forward and make some more decisions

And here I am, at the beginning of the day
Supposed to come into Your Presence to seek and learn
Start with opening
And that "slow down"
Oh how I need to slow down...

The panic rises LORD, the stress...the unbelief
I fight it though
I come to You with all I am
Bringing this
Even in this
You say You are here
You will lead
You will give wisdom for those who need it and ask
I need it
I come
I ask

God of me
You who love me
Here I am
Me, the one You love
Coming to You for grace and mercy
In the midst of stuff that seems so big and that I never seem to be able to figure out
Peanuts to You, small stuff
Show me how to live

God help.
I am a mess.
There is nothing in me today that wants to hold the course, work hard, put up with stuff, press on.
I just want to lay down and die...well, figuratively speaking. Lay down, give up, not push through.
Yeah, I'm fighting something...physically. I'm sure it plays a role.
And I'm tired. 
I'm tired of setting up processes that don't get followed through.
I'm tired of others not following through on things they are responsible for.
I'm tired of having to remember, and remind and... the brain load that adds.
And somehow today I think that let's me have a lousy attitude, give up on my responsibilities, think You aren't enough for this...
But that's all wrong... I know
Stinking attitude right on through...
God... this is me
The real me
The one You love
The one...I wish wasn't like this

Yesterday read about 4 Assumptions... Read and agreed, yet today...
God help

For this day, for this week

Lord, I cry out to You for this day, for this week.

I need help, to regain energy again. The past 3 weeks were starting to go so good, even on my days off I had energy to do stuff, but then yesterday...such a sluggishness has come again, I'm so lethargic. I had 2 days off this week.  On the first one there was lots of energy, but then I had a rather intense (1 on 1 conversations) 9 hour day, then that second day off...didn't have energy to do squat. And when tired, thought to nap, could hardly get to sleep. All I did was read novels...which was good too.

The only difference in my routine from previously is that now I haven't walked 5 days in a row. Before that I had 4 days in a row of walking more than 40 minutes. And a few long days. Oh, and I haven't connected much with friends and family either.

Lord help...help me to live life, to learn how to live responsibly--spending time on things needed, not letting so much pile up. I need to put the brakes on on some things, but I'm not sure what, and I need to keep up the routines that I'm finding to be helpful and healthy.

And if this keeps up, I'm afaid I'll move into overwhelmed, despair, not hearing from You again.

Father, help me this day, to know how to live, to know what to do, and to do it.
Restore my joy. Restore my hope.
May I know You, hear You, walk with You, be held by You. Live in Your joy and love. Live OUT Your joy and love.
 And, again, in Jesus name I bind the enemy--don't know if or how much of this is from him, I do know he'd love to see me sink into lethargy and uselessness--so, just in case.
In Jesus Name

So not like you

Oh God, I am so not like You. And I am so in danger of losing it all again.  Or, just not keeping up some of the new good habits I'm trying to develop. How I need You. How I need to know YOU.

I see the busyness coming again. By the end of the week I'm sleeping late, getting up late, working long, and most important problem, hardly coming into your presence to really be there to hear, and connect. I have this new journey starting on Monday, but right now it's just a dream, not a reality I even know how to do.

And yet that longing for You is stronger. This knowledge that what I REALLY need is You, to be in Your presence, to know You, to be changed by You.

Even though in danger of "losing it", I'm not yet as busy as before, still living slower, and still mostly living enjoying a peace, joy, insight towards life and my team...that is the most important thing!

Father lead me back again.
Thank you for this webcast--the speakers, the inspiration!
Thank you for the weekend coming, and a slower week with students away. 
Help me to properly adjust again, keep working on building the really good habits.
Draw me into Your presence, draw me into YOU, and ...teach me to live this life You have given me.

How I need you Lord.

A good day, but hard stuff

A good day
A good several days
Enjoying life
Enjoying work
Thankful for the peace
And a sense of purpose

And yet I'm exhausted now
Some big emotional stuff
And a battle...is it way more of a spiritual battle than I imagine?
I rest in You tonight
I'm feeling a little low
I need to go to bed
Maybe sleep will restore energy

And so tonight I cry out to You Father
Lead my sleep
Lead my thoughts
Lead me to wake seeking Your presence
Knowing You near
Lead me to know
How to live
What to say
What not to say

Lead me heart in peace
There is such anger
But finally also grief
and fear
for what could be lost

I don't want to get involved in all this again
I was the one

...to find the websites
...to confront, push, prod
...hear the confessions
...offer grace
...invest, to facilitate healing
...the cost was so darn great
...the recovery isn't yet complete
...having it all, in the end rejected
...feeling manipulated and used

I don't want to get involved again
to be the nasty one to confront
to point out the errors
but neither do I want to see others hurt and used
not on my watch

and maybe...there really is growth
maybe there is hope
but there must first be refining
only if he is willing for the refining
thankfully
this time
there will be (or should be) others that can be the up close and personal ones
others to take charge
require an accounting

God, (and I've said this before),
If he is Your child
Then speak loudly
Lead, direct, do NOT let him get away with
pushing for his way
dishonouring Your name
hurting others

Show me what to do
How to live
What to say
And how to hear You, do what I need to do
And then leave it with You
It shouldn't require sleepless nights
At least not nights of worry, anxiety or anger
And I don't want to cry any more tears about this
about him
protect the children
help them to grow in wisdom
and know how to be on guard

For this new week

Father,
At the beginning of this new week, I come to You.
What should I say? What should I pray?
What are the priorities? What should be the priorities?

LORD, I'm walking with someone through something, and it is so easy to get agitated and entangled. It is so easy for me to get frustrated and angry when what is said is all emotion and changes from one day to the next. What are you doing in this life LORD? What should my part be? How can I be involved and guide, and yet lay it down and leave all the outcomes with you? And why do I get agitated? What's with that?  Father, please lead...

How should I order my days this week LORD? Some of the little and simple changes I am making--for years I have neglected, and it would be easy to neglect again...help me to persist, find and hold onto better ways of thinking that make persistence more likely, and the process fun. May I value the rewards of ... a more peaceful heart, a more healthy body, noticing YOU, joy and hope.

And there is one habit I'm trying to build, that morning time with you--earlier, based on a good sleep the night before too. I just start to get into a rhythm, and then on Fridays and Saturdays it often falls apart under the busyness of that day and not yet being prepared. This past week, lost it with one night of agitation and stuff that was hard to lay down. One week from now I'll be starting that JOURNEY, and I'll really need to be disciplined, keep up a discipline. Help me LORD, to more and more centre my life around You, say "no" to other things.

Father, I ask for clarity around two of the activities that need some preparation this week. There are a couple where the path is pretty clear, yet I still cry out for Your insight and guidance, and for Your work in students' hearts to make it meaningful for them. And then there is one where it could just be all hard and confusing and awkward. Working with the other person leading it has ceased to be a joy or pleasure, mostly pain and draining. Is there something left to work for in this working relationship, in what has been invested in this employee? Or should it just end when the contract expires at the end of this year?

I need to be so careful in how to order my days...
Time is running out tonight...
I haven't said everything...
Need to stop and get to bed...
Father, I entrust this week into Your hands
Please lead, please guide, please bless us LORD, with Your presence, Your love, Your strength, Your insight, Your protection. Bind the evil one--he has no right or authority here.
This week, may I continue to cry out to You
Knowing You hear and answer!

 

Cry out my thanks!

Thanksgiving and praise were a lot of my cries yesterday.
Thank You for the hope that is returning.
Thank You for times last week feeling more like "the me I was meant to be"--noticing little things in those around me, encouraging and strengthening.
Thank You that I was calm and patient even in the stresses and problems of Saturday.
Thank You for the peace and bits of insight that came--about what my role may be with some of the students, that I don't need to worry what others think.
Thank You that I have had two weeks building in some of those healthier parts I so often neglect--exercise, time with friends, healthier eating.

Thank You!