When all I can see...

Jesus...
Today, all I can see is...
failure
problems
obstacles

All I can feel is...
hurt
pain
alone in the struggle

This week's morning journey
Is dry and bland
and HARD
Ps. 85 for a morning prayer, the invocation, benediction
no inspiration
And I I keep hearing is
"Stay awake, stay alert, don't stop"
"Don't let Him come back and catch you sleeping"

Today, I just cried
I'm trying
But somehow
It's not enough
I don't know where to find the energy
There must be a different way to do this work
And I've been asking for years
I...
Have not yet seen a solution

God help
Is it just the discipline and muscle-building of perseverance
that You want?
Who cares about the results
or meeting more of the needs?
But God,
the needs are so many
I can't stop from trying to do "more"
But doing "more"
Ends up burning out...
me
my colleagues
the staff for whom I am responsible

What am I doing wrong?
What needs to change?
God, please send your answers
please send your help
I don't know how long I can go on

How...

How can I "get it together" Lord
Jesus...
I'm crying out for Your help
Again today
Thought it was going okay
Thought I was set for a good day
Then...this flood of emotions
Where did that come from?
What do I do with it?

Tired
Disappointed
That's one part

Another part
Resistance
To this life that is mine
This life I chose
But parts of it
I don't want
So I balk
Or...
Parts of it
I don't manage well
And when the consequences hit
I lose it

I...
Need
Something
But I don't know what

Jesus...
I run to You

Empty...Lost...
That's a little bit how it feels when I'm tired like this
The weekly rhythm
Here I am Lord
At the end of another one
Needing Your renewal
Needing your Strengthening
I look to You
And I... go to bed

I seek Your face

God, how I need You as I try to figure out how to go forward.
The first thing I "cry out" to You about, is that You would guide this "crying out" day.
Thank You, You have already started to...
You led me, to set this day aside, to stay away from people mostly--more solitude.
And yet that one "spiritual conversation" previously scheduled, still happened, and in that conversation, I was reminded, of the different things to bring to You today.
Thank You.

I need to talk to You today...

• About my fears--What are they? What are they really? How am I supposed to push through them?
• About the order of my life, my work, this task, and the path forward--please, bring it from "overwhelming" to "ordered" and a "sense of direction" or "steps to take."
• About some of the people in my life--the relationships--the frustration and confusion there.
• About how to stay reminded of Your love for me.

Longing for a different world

Jesus, today I'm longing for a different world
Is the world and kingdom You're eventually taking us to
The same as the one I imagine
Will all the things I long to be rid of
Finally, actually, be gone
Or will life be just as confusing there
Will we finally know what people are saying
And have a sense of truly belonging
Not being so alone
Or will it be more of the same?

(written June, 25, 2013)

Thank You Lord!

Thank You Lord
I cried out to You today

Nearly despair
Emotions threatening to take over
Yet ideas came
Simple practical ones
   Eat a healthy meal
   Take a nap
And in the on and off doze of the nap
Ideas came
Inspiration
Resolve
Feet becoming firm
Motivation returning
HOPE returning

Thank you Lord
You really do hear
And come to the rescue
Of those who trust in Your unfailing love
Of those who cry out to You for help

May I keep remembering
Keep crying out to you
I do not need to flounder in the emotions that hit
For whatever reason
I can call out to You
You hear and send help
You restore and strengthen
I praise YOU God
You are my refuge
You are my help
You are my strength!
Thank you!

Back at the beginning

I was thinking what I'm feeling and the prayers I need to cry out are different from what started this blog, but I just read some of them from September 2012 and...some of it is exactly where I am now. For example, positive and excited in the day, losing grip on hope in the evening.

Here I come again...Lord, can I go to sleep now? Please bless my rest. Help me to work hard, clear away the clutter, do what needs to be done, because I choose to.

Is there a spiritual part? Is the enemy having a heyday with my discouragement? I will pray against Him too, in the name of Jesus.

Help me Lord, to find the hope, to find the joy, to figure out what I need to do to get there. Please send the help to lighten the load.

Oh God...